This a very brave thing for me to do. I think I need to explain a little of why I haven’t been on here for awhile. So this is the story of why she had to disappear. I hope that you like it, and I hope that maybe it can also inspire you, that even when all signs seem to be telling you to give up, to hang on, because there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

Why She Had To Disappear

There’s a reason why people vanish. Why they go into hiding. Sometimes it’s because they are scared; terrified of what may lie ahead. Or maybe they need some space, time to regain their strength. Some people need to figure out what’s important. Some people need to disappear for a while, so they can come back better than they were before.
This is why she disappeared. This is why she went into hiding.
The world is often a cruel place. Life in itself may seem a cruel joke. The weight of the world seems to hard to bear. The weight of living is too much to hold.
The world keeps on going though. It never stops spinning. You can try and keep up, put a smile on and say you’re doing fine, when in reality it seems as if the world moves on without you.
People grow. Friends get married, family moves away, people reach their potential, but you seem to be stuck in this constant loop. Two steps forward, five steps back. That’s when the thoughts start reigning in. Will you ever get there? The end game seems so far away.
So you disappear. So you vanish.
You take some time away. You realize that you have limitations that others don’t. You have circumstances out of your control.
But somehow that seems to make you even more bitter. That it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair that you have to put your life on hold because of circumstance. That these battles you are constantly fighting seem to always have the upper hand. It isn’t fair.
Maybe so. Maybe others have it easier. Or maybe they at least have the will to keep going. In the face of adversity, with the storm looming right over top of you, doesn’t it seem logical to just give up?
The truth of the matter is, it isn’t logical. It is a product of fear. Fear that others are always going to be better than you. Fear that this life isn’t worth fighting for. Fear that those battles will never be won. Fear of never being perfect. Fear of not fitting in. Fear. Of everything. Of everyone.
But after fear comes anger.
You start realizing that these fears are pointless. You start to pick up the pieces once again. You feel you might actually start healing. This could be the miracle you’ve been hoping for. Things start to get better. But then they start to get worse.
You thought that this was it. You’d be fine now. You could move on with your life. You could be free of these burdens, these weights that push you to the ground.
You thought it was going to be okay.
But it doesn’t work out. You start to fall apart again, piece by piece. The string that was holding it all together so delicately, starts to unravel. You lose your balance, your grip on sanity. You start to cave into these feelings. You’re mind tells you you’re worthless, just give up. But something in your gut won’t let you give up all hope entirely.
You start getting bitter. Which leads to anger.
You’re angry at the world. At those people who seemingly have everything together. At those girls who can eat a ton of food and never gain an inch of weight. At the fact that there isn’t a single thing that you can do about your situation. At the fact that nothing ever seems to resolve itself. At this feeling of wanting someone to hold you so desperately, someone to make you feel safe, but not being able to have that. Not being able to let people in, for fear they’ll be mad at you. Angry that you’ll never be perfect. That you could never be that person you wanted to be so bad.
Angry. So angry that you just want to scream or punch a hole in a roof or pull your hair out or just do something to get it out. You just need something to get you out of your head.
So you reassess. You take a step back. Why does everything start to fall apart the moment you try to fix it? Why does every road seem to lead to a dead end? Why do I keep falling back into these feelings?
And then it hits you. You can’t help it. You think you are trying so hard to heal, when you are the one putting the weights and the pressure on yourself. No one else is.
You are the one who sets these impossible standards for yourself. You are the one who thinks nobody could ever love you for who you are. You are the one who is judging others. You are the one who thinks they can’t keep up.
And maybe in some ways you are right. Maybe the world does keep spinning. Maybe it is too much to handle sometimes. Maybe others are trying harder than you are. But maybe you need to reassess things. Maybe you need to figure out why this cycle keeps repeating itself.
Maybe you need to disappear for a while. Just so you can figure things out.
So you do. You disappear, you vanish. And you learn that no one is perfect, that we all have scars and stories that we’d rather not share. We have bruises from the battles we have fought. We all have things we deal with. You learn that others do care, and that maybe you should let them in. Because you have a lot you can learn from them, and they benefit from seeing you trying. You learn that there are things you can control- your perspective, your outlook on life-, and that there are things you can do take control in other areas. You learn that life is insanely complicated, and that telling your story isn’t as scary as it may seem. You learn that you have a voice, and are a force to be reckoned with. You learn that you are capable of great things, and that your story is far from over.
So that is why she disappeared. That is why she vanished. But now she is back stronger than ever. So look out world, because here she comes.

So I am extremely happy to start writing again, and I wanted to share this with you because I think that if your story can help at least one person, you should share it. So this is why I’ve been a bit M.I.A. lately. But I’m glad to be back, and can’t wait for what is to come!

Until next time 🙂